Writing - Part 1 - C1 Advanced (CAE) - Practice, Write & Improve
Exam Question:
Type: Essay
| Your class has been discussing whether school/college leavers should be forced to do unpaid work if no paid jobs are available. You have made the notes below:
Arguments for and against forcing young people into jobs that are not paid:
Some opinions expressed during the discussion:
|
Write an essay discussing only two points. You should explain which point is more important, giving reasons in support of your answer.
Student's Answer:
“A majority of students that leave school or college are on the lookout for job opportunities. Some of them aim to earn money while others need job experience. Gaining work experience at a young age has many positive effects on an individual and it gives them the opportunity to earn some money. But what if there are no paid jobs available? Should these young people be forced to do unpaid work or should it be considered as exploitation?
One obvious advantage of getting a job as a young student is that you gain valuable work experience. In order to gain the most of the job experiences offered, money should not be the person’s main encouragement. Therefore, it might be effective if young people are forced to do the unpaid work. They will not do it for the money, but for the experience. It will also help people built their confidence.
On the other hand, forcing young people to do unpaid work might be seen as exploitation. We cannot just simply force someone to work hard and get no profit from it. Young people that have no experience might be very vulnerable to exploitation. Companies can very easily exploit these people as a cheap source of labour.
In conclusion, I believe that school or college leavers should not be forced to do unpaid work.
Unpaid work might be effective in terms of gaining the most of the job experience as well as building a person’s confidence. However exploitation is a serious problem that should be avoided at all costs. “
Feedback:
A majority of students that leave school or college are on the lookout/actively searching (use consistently formal language) for job opportunities. Some of them aim to earn money (common vocabulary) while others need job experience. Gaining work experience at a young age has many positive effects on an individual and it gives them the opportunity to earn some money. (and again)
First you write that students are looking for either money or experience and in following sentence you mention that experience gives money. It is a bit repeatble and confusing to follow the merit.
But what if there are no paid jobs available? Should these young people be forced to do unpaid work or should it be considered as exploitation?
You maintain a good style of language, it is indirect and you avoid a personal tone.
One obvious/apparent (apparent sounds more formal) advantage of getting a job as a young student is that you (avoid personal tone - I, YOU,WE) he or she gain valuable work experience. In order to gain the most of the job experiences offered, money/financial benefit (keep a formal style) should not be the person's main encouragement. Therefore, it might be effective if young people are forced to do the unpaid work. They will not do it for the money, but for the experience. (this is a bad sentence for an essay, simple words, simple style) It will also help people built their confidence. (avoid short sentences in formal papers)
They will not do it for the money, but for the experience. - not formal style/sipmple gramar/words and short sentence.
That is to say, financial reward would not have been their main priority, but professional experience. - better, formal/softer
On the other hand, forcing young people to do unpaid work might be seen as exploitation. Undoubtedly, (use linking words) We cannot (avoid personal language) just simply force someone to work hard and get no profit from it. In addition, (use linking words) young people that have no experience might be very vulnerable to exploitation. Therefore, (use linking words) companies can very easily exploit these people as a cheap source of labour.
Linking words, linking words, linking words...
In conclusion, I believe that school or college leavers should not be forced to do unpaid work. Unpaid work might be effective in terms of gaining the most of the job experience as well as building a person's confidence. However exploitation is a serious problem that should be avoided at all costs.
Do not repeat the same words, use synonyms.
It is quite well written essay, but if you take into account the comments above, you are certainly able and have the potential to write it excellently.
Content: 4-5/5
have you answered the question?
All content is relevant to the task. Target reader is fully informed.
Communicative Achievement: 3/5
have you completed the task in the right sort of language?
Hold the target reader’s attention and communicate straightforward and complex ideas, as appropriate.
The register is not always consistently formal. Formal & Informal Style (video)
The organisation: 4/5
have you structured your writing properly?
The essay is clearly organised into paragraphs, which each deal with one idea.
Avoid short sentences and use linking words more consistently. Linking words and phrases
Language: 3-4/5
have you used a good range of grammar and vocabulary?
Score: 14-15/20 Grade: C1
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